Life the universe and everything.. Some say the answer is 42, that all mighty powerful number, I think it is music, it makes us feel happy, sad, lonely, in love and just about any other emotion you can poke a pointy stick at. Im listening to R&B and Blues at the moment and ir helps to make me feel better knowing that there are others out there with pain in their hearts and souls.

Music is such a powerful medium but if you take it a step back and deal with words alone you end up with poetry or prose. I love to write and over the coming few weeks I will post some of my work here. Some of it is moving, some streches the boundary. All of it is my own work, a snapshot of my life in words. The only time I really write poetry is when I am sick, it seems to open the floodgates and out it comes.

Insomniacs don’t bang your head against the wall..

Bang your head to some music instead…

I couldn’t sleep the other night, well actually I have been having problems sleeping a lot lately. I hate taking meds at the best of times so I try to avoid the ones that I don’t need to function like pain killers and sleeping tablets if I can. So on that premise I went looking for some other ways to fall asleep. I came across using white noise to fall asleep so I went hunting for some software that I could use. I came across one called Atmosphere Lite from Relaxing software . It lets you start with a base background sound like wind, rain or waves and then add random sounds of birds and other stuff over the top. It seems to be helping so Ill let you know over the next few weeks how it is working for me.

The other thing that I like to do is listen to music so I went hunting for sites where I could download free LEGAL mp3’s. I was working on the assumption that there has to be good music that appeals to me that doesn’t come from the HIgh Profile American Marketing Machines (HIPAMM) and after a few hours hunting around I found two sites that appealed to me.

The first is epitonic.com and seems pretty good and the second one is Garageband which after a bit of poking around comes out on top with its ease of use. As for the music ? Not bad, not bad at all. Some of the stuff is not to my taste, even though I am eclectic in my audio taste some things just grind me the wrong way. Especially those ones filed under the genre of “Noise.” Need I say more !

Putting those songs aside as you find them in little dark record stores the open on to dark foreboding alleys as well as online some of the stuff is really good and is opening up the range of music I listen to. Who knows maybe one day some of these artists will be mainstream and I will be able to say “Hey I was listening to them x years ago.”

Just listening to the news One million dollars is to be injected in to mental health in Australia to increase doctors and the like (about fucken time the politician got of their ass.)

Psych review over..

Went and saw the Psych doc at the hospital yesterday afternoon and he was really goog, I ended up taking my laptop with me and he did take the time to read my blog. He said that it was obvious that I wasnt stupid and that keeping this blog was a good idea and that I should use it as a tool in my ongoing mission to get through BPD.

He also told me that the drug Olanzapine is good for the control of anger short term and that I should carry some with me at all times and if a friend or loved one that knows me says “Hey Mark calm down a bit..” or something similar that I shouldnt argue with them but should take one and go and chill for a while. So when I got home I put some olanzapine wafers in my wallet so that I will have them with me. I seem to carry more prescription drugs in my wallet then money, I also have tablets to stop me from throwing up when my balance is playing up.

He was telling me that some of the BPD episodes may be related to my epilepsy firing in parts of the brain that control emotion etc so it may not just be a psych disorder in me but epilepsy related as well.

One thing he did say that made me think of BPD in a diffrent light was some of the statistics relating to BPD. For instance the mortality rate (sucessful suicide) is up around the 10-15% mark. Now this might not sound like much but when you compare it to breast cancer with a mortality rate of around 2% you realize it is a pretty high number. Now if only they would spend the same time and money on research in to treatment for it as they do for breast cancer.

How Many People Have Borderline Personality Disorder? (emaxhealth)

It is estimated to affect two to three percent of the general population, ten percent of patients seen in outpatient clinics and as many as twenty percent of hospitalized psychiatric patients. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts. There is a ten percent mortality rate in people with this disorder (i.e., suicide). BPD worsens the outcome and complicates the treatment of any other disorder such as Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorders, and Substance Abuse Disorder. BPD is difficult to diagnose and is often misdiagnosed as Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Anti-social Personality Disorder. As a consequence, persons with BPD are difficult to treat and often frustrate clinicians.

(Kids are fighting again…. blah blah blah…. bitch, bitch, bitch and one is in the bathroom and they are yelling through the door at each other)

Lifes a bitch

Man I feel like shit, depressed a bit, still got that empty hollow feeling I was talking about. Earlier I was suffering what I refer to as sensory overload, I get to the point sometimes where I feel like everything is building up, things touching me feel painful especially movement, I become intolerant of noise and light. So I went and hid in my room layed naked in my bed with the curtains closed and an old mistral fan I have on high so that the noise of the fan blocks out the kids fighting, still told them to can it a couple of times…. I hate this feeling. It has got to the point now where I am feeling sick to my stomach as well.

That tangled web we weave (spoiler Suicide discussion)

Relationships, I suck at them I have ruined every good thing I have had as far as loving relationships go, I have torn down the people that I was supposed to love, to look after and support.

In my last relationship I had everything handed to me on a platter, all I had to do was take my meds, go to counseling and I fucked it up, I alienated my partner and made her not only hate me but fear me, To look back and see the fear in her eyes when I was sick makes me want to take a gun and blow my brains out so that I never have to see pain like that on someone’s face again knowing that it was me that caused it. Im not going to kill myself, well I cant catergorically say that as I do have BPD, what I mean is that at this point in time I have the thoughts POP in to my head but I am able to control them and don’t want to go and do it. But at other times I know that suicide is wrong, I love life when I am well, but when Im not well I self harm, try to kill myself.

My Dad once said that In my most serious attempt to date of seven attempts (Gassing in a car) that I didn’t really want to die as I had parked the car in the bush not far from a road and then turned the hazard lights on. I don’t remember this but I do know it was an older car and didn’t have a hazard light switch. I honestly belief that I fell forward on the steering wheel and knocked the turn signal on. I guess I will never know as I was clinically dead at that stage, or so I have been told by the staff at the hospital who along with the ambulance staff had to revive me more then once.

Gassing is bad, the CO gets in to the blood, binds chemically with the iron in the hemoglobin and inhibits the ability for the hemoglobin to bind with Oxygen, so no matter how much O2 they pump into you it doesn’t actually do much, I was in a coma for 8 days and then in ICU/Special Care for nearly 3 weeks, the pain in my muscles and chest was unreal, I had to learn to walk again from the atrophy (wasting away) in my muscles.

That house of cards

A change is as good as a holiday. Well for most people it is but at the end of my day I think I have realized that a change isn’t that good.

Routine, Routine, Routine… Almost as good as Location, Location, Location.. “So Sir, Would you like to buy this lovely outdoor deck located on the Sydney harbour bridge ? The view is great..”

Well when it comes to borderline it is, that’s routine, not buying a bridge or so they say over at borderlinepersonality.ca anyway here is a bit from the page

“Learning to implement structure into your thoughts, actions and words is the bridge that those with BPD must cross in order to relate to others in healthy and meaningful ways in their adult lives. Ways that build instead of ways that tear down.” (A.J. Mahari, August 9, 2001)

It is a good read made me sit back and have a think for a few seconds, so if your interested head over there and have a look.

Aghh those bloody flies are buzzing around, killed 4 in the last couple of minutes.

Man I feel so I don’t know…. Vague, lost, empty, hollow cant the right word to describe the feeling I have, it is sort of this hollow empty feeling that started in the pit of my stomach a few minutes ago and then proceeded to jump up in to my head and rip my soul out and shit all over it. Sort of reminds me of the “Simpsons” episode where Bart sells his soul to millhouse and then the automatic doors at the quickiemart wont open.

Maybe I should ask my Phych tommorow if they have Internet and send them to this blog to read about me, I hate talking about it so this might be better, or I could just cache the site to the laptop and take it with me ? anyway where was I… Ahh thats right Routine.

Maybe I need to change my routine, set up a schedule for me to follow during the day, Map out my life but it all seems like to much hard work, I like being varied sometimes, it opens up my life experiances. It makes me feel more complete to be able to understand something. I may not be able to debate a topic well enough to convert someone or even be able to explain a concept that I understand, but that isnt what this is about, it is about me understanding it, if you want to read it your self, you may need more/less background to understand the same topic. My aim is to intrest people in something and create a drive for them to follow it up themselves not to educate them.

So much for routine, the way this post jumps around even I have trouble following it….

SIgh A bloody NORA

Pop goes the weasel !!

Taking pills, and I dont mean anything brought from a sleazy looking man wearing cargo pants and a beanie at some late/all night rave with kids dying from speed induced dehydration pills, i mean men in white coats and PHds on the walls and dusty books on the shelves with pictures of their kids on the desk next to the prescription pad pills.

Well I have a real problem taking them, not because I dont want to take them, Its just that I forget or I feel good as far as the BPD goes so i stop. They make me feel tired, they make me feel sick sometimes and they sure as hell stop me from getting it up maybe I need one of these 🙁 so go figure why I end up not taking them.

Anyway here is some info on people with BPD and medication issues

Psychotropic medication may be useful for individuals with BPD depending on presenting symptoms. However, over time, medication often proves less than helpful as personality issues confound the medication issues. Problems in medicating BPD include non-compliance, demands for frequent changes in the dose or type of medication, overdosing, and failure to accurately report change, e.g., reporting feeling worse when apparently doing better (Sperry, 1995, p. 75).

The BPD propensity for alcohol and drug abuse and addictive behavior is also a concern in using medication. Alcohol and others drugs can potentiate prescribed medication and heighten chances for an accidental overdose. Or individuals with BPD may decide to use prescribed medications in combination with alcohol and other drugs to attempt suicide (Layden, 1993, pp. 111-112).

From the cereal box to the coffin

It really pisses me off the number of people that appear to have recieved a drivers licence from a cereal box, today I was going along a road with a speed limit of 1oo kilometers an hour about 60 miles an hour and I was taking it easy and just crusing along at 80 clicks. It was an open dual lane road with ample space to overtake so I wasnt holding anyone up.

Amazinly the number of people that overtook me that would fly up at 100 get right on my ass then shoot out around me with no indication from the turn signals. The ones that did use thier turn signals would do so after they had started to move out around me, and it wasnt like they needed to get around to beat an oncoming car as the traffic coming the other way was really low read 2 cars on the whole trip but such is life all I can do is hope that they dont kill me or my loved ones when they take themselves out.

Cool site to kill time

I cant sleep so im laying in bed on the laptop, its 0256 or it least I think it is as I removed all signs of conventional clocks in my room and on my laptop and have immersed myself with binary digital clocks (wikipedia) nothing like learning something by immersion.. the binary wrist watch (thinkgeek) is next.

Anyway enough of my mindless ravings I found this cool site to kill a bit of time www.glassgiant.com and I made a few things as well.. I was to cold to do it my self on the gimp (Laptop is only a PII 300 with 3 gig hdd and 64mb ram running win 2k pro “Hey it only cost me AU$160 so shut the fuck up and pull your head in”) and it was to cold to go to the desktop so lets use online tools. 🙂

But on the subject of the gimp I did a self portrait the other day and I may as well post that as well while I am awake so here it is. Click on the image to see it full size

I know it isn’t the best has some compression artifact’s etc but it is my first attempt at something like this so I see it as a learning experience and I like it.

“Just a Geek” and his blog

Okay I am a bit of a “Geek” and as I told my nephew yesterday “Its cool to be a Geek these days” as he gives me that yeah right look, and it is so I am proud to be one, well the other thing that really got my attention yesterday is the blog WWdn:in exile.

It is the blog of Wil Wheaton (wikipedia) who played Wesley Crusher in Startrek, and it is really friggin good, like blew me away good. I was so wrapped up in it that I spent over seven hours reading through the archives and having a good look around and that took me through until 02:30. At that point my eyes where to tired to keep reading my laptop screen so I layed back in bed and listened to Radio Free Burrito which is Wil’s podcast.

Then today when I woke up I was back at WWdn:ix and was just hooked again, it is now midnightish and I have spent the better part of the day browsing both Wils stuff and stuff he reccomends from music to books, all fucken A. (his blog actually motivated me to start this one thnx Wil)

His postings have made me have a good look around and motivated me to go and buy his book “Just a Geek” and I haven’t even read an excerpt yet.

See this is the BPD I get hooked on something and read/research it until I am suffering brain overload read goo coming out of my ears, like this post has taken me over an hour so far because as I cruise around to get the links to put in I get distracted by the content and end up reading some more.

So if your a “Geek” or just didnt subscibe to alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die (Google archive) then his blog and podcast and I venture to say books (as i havent read them yet) look really good.