Black Terror

He sit’s… quite, thinking, alone.
The darkness is inside.
Thinking of dark times,
Fear of terror he cant hide.

Sitting, thinking, alone in his mind.
The front he maintains, a thinline.
An image he projects,
Trying to make it fine.

Things that mean the most.
Lost in moments slipped away.
Hidden in that dark place,
His life it starts to fray.

Pain never felt so good,
To escape, to ignore.
That dark terror. Living life,
Whats worth living for.

Black versus white,
a battle fought unseen.
All in his mind its lost,
Fragments of a war thats been.

Fear of that black monster,
Rearing its ugly head.
The one that hates,
The one that wants him dead.

Blood flows in his vein’s,
He’s spilt it before.
Crimson red it flows,
Drips upon the tiled floor.

Someone’s there for him,
A light in the dark.
A guide in a dark life,
A new place to start.

In the past she watched,
Saw him come and go.
Others in his life
But how she loved him so.

Blinded by the dark,
He hasnt seen here there.
Stumbling through his past,
Living without a care.

She walk’s in to his life,
Attached by the soul.
A friend here now,
One to fill the hole.

To drag him from the dark,
She wants to ease the pain.
To make it go away,
Is it all in vain ?

Maybe this time,
Different it may be.
No longer is it dark,
Now his mind can see.

Love, Like a flower growing,
Pushing through the weeds.
Her love grows inside,
It knows his need’s.

A life of turmoil,
His life stripped to the bone.
His feeling lost again
Emotions he must hone.

He loves his life,
Loves the ones near.
Pours out his heart,
Love tainted with fear.

Fear of the unknown,
The things he cant hold.
Things that complete him,
Things to remove the cold.

That dark, cold life,
Love he lacks..
To see in colour,
Not white and black.

Fear is still strong,
It makes him feel ill.
Fear of hurting again,
He thinks of pain still.

It’s not pain his own,
But pain of the other.
His true feeling’s,
He has learnt to cover.

He knows she’s there,
Her thoughts in his head,
Feels her in the darkness.
Knows he isn’t dead.

He lays in the dark,
A mist in his mind.
Thinking of the past
Knowing what he will find.

The lives he’s crushed,
The hearts he broke.
Like a magician
He’s Gone in smoke.

Now it’s time to move on.
Maybe the time is right,
Take the darkness in hand,
Dont give up without a fight.

He knows now she is near,
A guiding light she glow’s.
Pulling from darkened tombs,
Lighting the way to go.

The moment passed away
Darkness in his life no more
Well… Not for the moment,
Till it comes and knocks upon his door.

He see’s her now,
The darkness lifts away.
Feels the love she has,
The love that makes his day.

He knows to move on,
To speed his alive ahead.
To dwell on the past is wrong,
When he does.. he’s dead.

The road is rocky.. Rough,
The path it winds long and hard.
He walks it slowly now,
Always on his guard.

He wants to move on again,
To make living something free.
To move on in life,
He knows the place to be.

$100 Laptop

This idea loks really cool, it is a concept for a US$100 laptop and is aimed at kids, including developing nations, it can even be “wound up” to charge the battery.

From the site

What is the $100 Laptop, really?
The proposed $100 machine will be a Linux-based, with a dual-mode display—both a full-color, transmissive DVD mode, and a second display option that is black and white reflective and sunlight-readable at 3X the resolution. The laptop will have a 500MHz processor and 128MB of DRAM, with 500MB of Flash memory; it will not have a hard disk, but it will have four USB ports. The laptops will have wireless broadband that, among other things, allows them to work as a mesh network; each laptop will be able to talk to its nearest neighbors, creating an ad hoc, local area network. The laptops will use innovative power (including wind-up) and will be able to do most everything except store huge amounts of data.

Ok thats my smoke break finshed back to work on “Dark Terror” my latest poem.

The Book

I have decided to do my book as short stories and prose as that will be easier for me as I have problems getting thoughts in to order, so structuring a complete book in chronological order isn’t going to happen. So short stories it is along with my life in prose, and to keep you entertained I am going to blog them as I write, so if you are a regular reader you will get to see them before I get the book together.

Introduction

Usually the first chapter in a book gives you a lead in, something to take by your teeth and shake around, to see if you want to keep reading. I’m not going to do that, I want to get straight in to the story of my life. So who am I ? I’m nobody, well not to the general public, think of that TV show Sienfeild, it was a show about nothing, just everyday events that make you laugh, that make you cry and give you the chance to sit back and say “Yep, that’s, me I’ve done that.” However my book isn’t in chapters, it isn’t a timeline of my life because with the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I have problems putting my life events in order. So instead these will be short stories that reflect my live, not in any order just how they come to me as I am writing.

Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing. I was born in Ballarat a town in the state of Victoria in Australia. It is a couple of hours out of Melbourne and its bloody cold. People say that the wind starts and stops in Ballarat.

I guess my first memories in life would have to be when I was about four or five, I mean I get glimpses of my life before that but not real memorable events that make me sit back and reminisce. Most of my early memories are of us living in Papua New Guniea (PNG) a country north of Australia. It is hot there, damn hot, six months of the year hot and dry and six months of the year hot and wet. Now the latter is how I like my woman but not the weather. It was hot but I liked it and unknown to myself at the time it would give me an insight in to other cultures as some of the anecdotes later will show you.

I’m a bit of a rebel, I always have been even as a child getting in to things and making my parent’s life pretty tough

Goggle Shop future product release…

The other day google approached Bloss and I to discuss the use of modern technology in communication, it was during this conversation that we were asked to be part, of an alpha test of a future google store product called googllant short for google implant and should be ready for launch via the google store in April of 2010.

So we decided to get them once available based on our frequent bouts of amnesia. So for example the other day Bloss wanted to tell me a poem but couldn’t remember the poem or any details of a book or author, as it was told to her.

So based on that we hypothesized that if we had implants in at the moment we could google for it. First though the technology would not store our thoughts at all but would only record sensory data such as touch, smell, taste, vision and auditory and allow indexing.

So back to the hypothetical, Bloss knew the following,

  • It was a friend
  • The friends name: Karen Smith
  • It happened in 1982
  • It was in Darwin NT Australia
  • It happened at Casuarina Highschool
  • It was during School making it a school event
  • It was during a class that was boring

So with all the trivial worthless information that we had she still couldnt remember the poem, but if we had a googllant then she could have googgled for it, see nice and easy. So once the technology reaches maturity we will be implanted and run as part of the Alpha test program.

Bad night.

Last night I had one of the worst nights that I have had for quite some time, I was reading some stuff that had been posted on a canadian website about BPD from other people with BPD. All of a sudden I just felt scared and frightened, like a little kid. Not just fearful but really really scared. Then I went through a heap of emotional swings that really wrecked me.

After the fear I started to blame myself for things I have no control over and felt really really guilty, following that was anger at myself, I so wanted to self harm to use the pain as an escape from the roller coaster I was on, but I didnt as hard as it was. Then I broke down in tears and sobbed, like uncontrobble sobbing, the best way to explain the emotions I went through in less then 2 hours is to compare it to the death of a loved one, all the diffrent stages of the grieving process Guilt anger acceptance etc happend one after the other, Bang, Bang, Bang. No wonder I was wrecked.

A lot of people think of people with BPD as just people that get angry,as assholes that dont deserve to be loved by someone and we should all be locked up or in some cases I have even heard someone talking about how all people with mental illness shouls be killed sheez.. heaps of people in history and present where mentally Ill and some of our greatest artists are as well. What they dont realize is that the things that attracted someone to a BPD like companssion and caring, and our love are all the same as our anger, we become really passionate about something, If I love you then I really love you, do something small that hurts me then for those irrational few hours or days the anger kicks in.

I guess in some ways I am like a child, my brain doesnt think like an adults when it comes to emotional control. If your boss pulls you on something you know that you need the job to feed your family so you bite your lip, or argue your point constructivly, I dont I just lose it, then later I go through enourmous guilt for losing the job, and anger at myself. It sucks big time..

It is really lovely here today, I am outside enjoying the wind and sun as I type on the laptop listening to music. 🙂

Then when I went to bed about 0100 I couldnt sleep at all, thoughts rushing through my head, like a floodgate of emotion, so in the end I had to get up and watch TV, music and rain effects just didnt cut it in getting rid of/masking my thoughts so I took another Olanzapine and watched TV for a while before falling asleep.

Bloss woke me up this morning to take my meds, she is going to help me to develop a routine to take my meds I am so hopless with med compliance.

Anyway for regular readers of my blog here is a snippit from my book it is part of the introduction.

On the border.

A black and white look at my life
with borderline personality disorder.

Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing….

On that note Im going to go back to working on my book now so Ill leave you for now

Cheers 🙂

Been working.

Been hard at work today, working on some new poetry. Well hard means thinking a lot, thinking of words and feelings, thinking of those times in my life that make me feel emotional and then expressing them. As for my current projects, blogging aside, I am working on 3 poems and am also working on an autobiography with a working title named after this blog. Stay tuned same bat channel…

Mortal Sin.

As the day slips slowly by,
I feel colder now.
The sun is low, days end,
I sit and wonder how.

Warm tears flow upon my cheek,
The darkness closes in.
My body feels oh so weak,
Is love a mortal sin ?

My heart beats slower still,
The pillow wet with pain.
For I have lost the will,
Wonder if my lifes in vain.

Life is short, The moment long,
The feelings hurt me so.
Love is hard, is it wrong ?
I know not where to go.

My heart is torn within my chest,
Torn from love, From life.
Tired now I must rest,
Cry for one who will be my wife.

The love is tru, I know that well,
I cry myself to sleep.
Hiding now… inside my shell,
The world to see me weep.

The love I have will be there,
Even if alone we are.
True to you I will always care,
Admire form afar.